Mary* once carpooled to a professional audition with a friend. They each had their own day to take company class, and her classmate went first. “But the next day, when it was my turn, she said she was coming along ‘just to take class,’ ” says Mary. Her friend said she had asked permission the day before. “I couldn’t help but think she was squeezing in another chance to get seen, but it was undermining my own audition as a result,” Mary continues. “It felt like such a cutthroat move from someone I considered a close friend.”
During audition season, behavior changes in friends, classmates, or colleagues can be unnerving, or even intimidating. Sometimes, it can feel like a personal attack. Dancers—especially those graduating from college, trainee, or second-company programs—often audition for the same spots as their peers, which creates a high-pressure environment for everyone.
Human nature is complicated, and there’s often more to the picture than meets the eye. So if you’re wondering what to do when the studio vibe suddenly shifts, here are some insights on why it happens and how to respond.
What’s Going On?
Kemp.
Stress can cause people to act differently. “We’ve all experienced someone getting cold, catty, or secretive during audition season,” says mindset coach and former dancer Kirsten Kemp, founder of The Confident Dancer. “You feel their competitive energy, even if they’re not saying anything.” She recalls a classmate who used to watch her in the mirror and try to “one-up” her during combinations. When Kemp confronted her, hoping to resolve the issue for the sake of their friendship, she denied it.
For Kemp, people’s behavior during audition season reveals whether they have a mindset of abundance or scarcity. “It’s easy to think, There are no contracts out there,” she says. Opportunities in ballet can be limited. But Kemp says that dancers often take this mindset too far. “The more we reinforce that way of thinking, the more it affects us,” she explains. “You can look at human behavior across history: With perceived scarcity, people act self-defensively.” So when others become competitive, withdrawn, or sharp, it’s likely a reflection of a scarcity mindset—and how that person copes with stress.
Sometimes, people project pressure outward, says Kemp. “If a dancer has an insecurity, they’ll likely see other dancers, and their successes, as threats. If they lash out, it shows a lack of inner resources for dealing with that stress.” So if your classmate clams up or says something rude, it’s probably more about them than you.
You’re Not Psychic
According to Dr. Miriam Rowan, a licensed clinical psychologist and former dancer with San Francisco Ballet, dancers may try to “mind read” when they see peers behave differently. Rowan explains that because ballet is largely nonverbal, it requires paying attention to cues like body language. While that can be helpful, it can also lead dancers to make incorrect assumptions. “If you see someone who’s withdrawn, you may think, Oh, they don’t like me anymore,” she says. “But maybe it’s not that at all. Maybe their nervous system is in overdrive.”
Rowan adds that more often than not, attempting to read minds will not be helpful. She suggests considering all the possibilities for someone’s behavior. “There could be many answers, and there’s no way you’ll know unless you have a conversation,” she says. Lead with a mindset of compassion, and don’t fixate on how others behave. That can distract you from performing at your best and handling your own feelings.
Processing Productively
Everyone needs time to focus, but there’s a difference between becoming withdrawn and acting aggressively. For Kemp, that depends on conscientiousness, maturity, and self-awareness: “If someone accidentally says something sharp, can they recognize that and apologize? Or do they genuinely seem not to care how it affects you, and do it again?” Other people may grow secretive or passive-aggressive, withholding information (like where they’re auditioning) or giving backhanded compliments.
If someone’s behavior seems like a one-off incident or fluke, you may decide to let it go (or, with close friends, check in after they’ve calmed down). But in cases of serious or repeated offense, says Rowan, students can involve a trusted adult. Professional settings are trickier; she recommends waiting until both parties are ready to navigate a thoughtful conversation. “Say what you observed, then ask a simple question, like, ‘Hey, I noticed you rolled your eyes at me. What was going on there?’ ” If the other person remains confrontational or closed off, it may be time to reassess your friendship.
After the company-class experience, Mary’s relationship with her classmate became strained. (It turned out that neither of them got the job.) But once they both confirmed their next steps—and were no longer competing for the same contracts—their friendship returned to normal. In Kemp’s case with the classmate who acted competitively, she decided to accept that her friend wasn’t ready to work toward resolution and allowed more distance in their relationship. “You can reach a hand out, but friendship takes two people,” she says. “I decided to invest more in others who I felt were still kind.”
Let It Go
For some people, it can feel distressing—or disappointing—when others act according to values that differ from their own. Kemp says that dancers with people-pleasing tendencies may feel like it’s their job to “fix” the situation. “But you can’t change someone’s choice in how they show up,” she warns, “and you can’t fix a relationship they’re actively breaking.”
Rowan adds that, for better or worse, dancers find comfort in control. “The world is not clean-cut, though. It’s a rigid view to think that just because I behave this way, everyone should,” she says. Focus on what you can control: your dancing, health, and behavior. Take the opportunity to learn more about your own values, and stick to them: “Ultimately, if you act outside of your own beliefs, that’s something you will regret.”
In the heat of the moment, Kemp suggests, use visualization to stay calm. Dancers may feel like they’re tied to peers and their choices, so picture yourself letting go of that sense of ownership. “You can visualize the tie as a ribbon that you’re releasing back to them,” she says, and ask yourself: “Instead of just reacting to others, who do I want to choose to be in this situation? What would be the most useful thing for me to focus my attention and energy on?” Other people’s words or actions can still sting, though, and it’s important to honor that. Practice self-compassion, says Rowan, and confide in a supportive friend, guardian, or therapist. And remember: You have the power to choose how you show up each day.
*Name has been changed.
The post Friend or Foe?: What to Do When Your Peers’ Behavior Changes Around Auditions appeared first on Pointe Magazine.